Wants v Needs

Matchmaker Siobhan Copland writes for Female First about the divide between wanting and needing in your romantic life. 

Many of us today aim for success, in society and the media as a whole the pressure is on to lead perfect successful lives. In our education, career in our relationships and eventually as parents.

Some of us our highly successful and focused in our careers when we reach peak adulthood, but still a void exists in terms of our personal relationships. It’s common for men and women to complain they can’t even find the time to add a partner to fit in their busy schedules, yet the time comes and the need and want for love often becomes greater.

Many successful individuals especially those we see in the public eye, struggle to maintain long-term relationships, and suffer insecurities as a consequence.

But what about us every day working class people, do we look for anything different than these high-profile celebrities? The answer is probably no, apart from the need for trust being even greater for them, with their broken love lives dissected by the press. And the fear of being used for their financial gain.

We all want to be with someone who loves us for who we are, regardless of our flaws, and somebody we can trust, who we can share our dreams and future with right?

But the difference in successful relationships and those that fail, regardless of physical attraction, compatibility and all the other factors that come into play, mainly boils down to whether your needs are being met. A good way to understand your core needs in a relationship is to discover your love language.

Take the test here

We often search for what we WANT rather than what we NEED.

Like material things, which we want, we obtain it, and then shortly after there’s something else we want. And we soon lose interest in what was once a ‘must have’. But if however our basic needs were taken away, such as our shelter, our warmth, our food our bed, it would become much more of a focus, and without them we couldn’t really function. This is what happens in a relationship when are needs aren’t been met.

If we don’t establish what exactly our needs are when looking for a relationship, we will only keep getting what we want, but wants change, needs have a much more solid and fulfilling foundation.

We all carry some baggage from previous relationships, and we come looking for more from the lessons we’ve learnt. If your ex didn’t spend enough time with you, and that was key in the breakdown. You may go into your next one, needing someone who can give you the time that you seek.

If you were previously in an open relationship, or one where you were cheated on, you may need as a priority to be with someone who shows themselves to be loyal.

Saying your future partner has to be 6’0, athletic build and earning over £50k a year for example, may be depriving yourself of someone who may be able to give you what you need in the long term.

Ask yourself why do I need this? What need am I fulfilling by selecting this criteria.

Is it for social validation? Fear of someone feeling inadequate financially?

If I have all this, but this person for example isn’t affectionate, doesn’t value quality time, is this a compromise worth making? Or would you be better of with someone who feels comfortable financially, can still afford to do the things you like to do, is a little shorter than your preference, but makes up for it in personality, and makes you feel secure in many other ways?

If you’re already in a relationship and you feel your needs may not be getting met, then it doesn’t mean they can’t be. You need to make sure you communicate with your partner, in a non aggressive manner, and make them known. Take the love language test here and understand one anothers core needs.

If their needs are different from yours it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re incompatible, it means you may need to adapt your approach.